News and Politics Forum

Since the Americans have wasted no time, effort or expense to spread propoganda about Iran, the current hotbed of "terrorists" and "freedom hating fundamentalists".

I have taken it upon myself to in turn inform the Iranian people and their allies a little bit about who they may be facing in the near future.

Disclaimer - Chicken Pot Pie.

Official Name -The United States of America*.
Capital - Israel
Currency - The Dollar
Religion - The Dollar
Population - 498 People and 290 million drones.
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*Sometimes credited as The United states of Amnesia due to the short attention span of its inhabitants. Example –

American – I have seen through the bull# about the War On Terror and/or Iraq and can no longer support this government.

Fox News – Today’s top story! Kitten found stuck in fridge after 6 weeks!

American – Awwwww… Kitty!!!!

The Country (A brief history)

America was “discovered” by the great Christopher Columbus when his voyages led him to a continent void of human life an abundant, self sufficient yet vacant land. (Some people argue that the native Indians lived there and that their lands were raped and their women pillaged. but that is all a myth because we all know that Indians were created in 1965 to play the bad guys in some old western movies)

Soon after there was A Civil War which although is thoroughly and comprehensively taught in the nation’s history books (and almost every other book) I personally find it a tad boring because there were a lot more greater wars before and after this particular one and I’d rather educate myself in matters other than those that are within the boundary of one country. Although I do not condone the government of spoon feeding them rhetorical crap because after all they have to mould the nation’s youth into the perfect consumer, patriot and soldier.

America is based on the idea of democracy (I mean just look at the last two elections) and freedom of speech (Fox news, CNN, NBC and all other government controlled media) and they are fond of rubbing that piece of information into the collective noses of the world’s other countries on a daily basis.

The People

The general population of America is known as Americans (derived from the word Americanusis Idiota) who thrive in their natural habitat i.e. McDonalds and Burger King. They are a very opinionated, outspoken and arrogant people and by that I mean close minded, self centered and ego maniacal morons. They strongly believe in their right to free speech which is quite a waste for most of them as they are incapable of stringing together a chain of thought to interpret it in a form of a coherent sentence.

Their main pastimes consists of Eating, watching sports no one else in the world watches, eating, buying stuff they don’t need, eating and bragging on a constant basis how they are the greatest country on earth.

Did I mention eating?

Political parties

There are basically 2 main political parties in the states. The Democrats (formed by Thomas Jefferson), The Republicans (formed by Satan) and then we have The Liberals, though they aren’t really much of a party.

The Democrats can be defined as a party of no ideas, whereas The Republicans are a party of bad ideas.

Note - The Liberals have a lot of ideas but no one listens to them because they are, well… liberals.

Geography

America, according to Americans is the only planet on this planet. We may think otherwise and discard it as ignorance but the Americans simply refute to anything on the contrary. They say “We have the world’s sexiest people, world’s most read newspapers, all the major sport world cups are held by us (American “football”, Baseball and Basketball) and 99.99% of the polls show that we are the only people here. Our history and Geography books have no mention of anyone else. So how the hell can you say otherwise?”

No one can argue with logic like that so I won’t (besides 100% of the surveys claim it to be quite futile an attempt)


The President -

The current president of the US of A is George Dubya Bush (nicknames - Dubya, Bu#, Gee Duh and Pretzel Boy) who currently enjoys the support of incesting hillbillies and a program that rigs electoral votes.

Regarded as the best leader to ever grace the oval office, he has by far been one of the the most inspirational, intelligent and rational leaders of our time. The Bush era has been a special time - for the national deficit (back, and larger than ever), for the countries formerly known as our allies, and for the English language. You can hear it all straight from the horse's, er, mouth. He has been acknowledged to be by far the most competent, compassionate and capable of all recent presidents.

A texan of origin (thus fully incapable of composing a rational thought) he shook the political world twice by becoming the head of state without actually being elected. Whether butchering the English language, choking on pretzels, smoking out evildoers, or strutting around in a flight suit he is what makes politics and the impending total world destruction interesting, if not humorous.

He is an orator of unfathomable capabilities and a few of his gems of advice are as follows

"I can only speak to myself."

True -- and yet we must listen. Sometimes his accidental wit speaks louder than any prepared statement.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

(On invading Iraq) "I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome." —George W. Bush, defending Vice President Dick Cheney's pre-war assertion that the United States would be welcomed in Iraq as liberators, NBC Nightly News interview, Dec. 12, 2005

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." —George W. Bush, Tucson, Ariz., Nov. 28, 2005

"Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction."

And a lot more can be found www.dubyspeak.com

Vice President


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Dick Cheney (nicknames - Elmer Fudd, The Tin Man) has been alleged to have lost his heart during a myocardial infarction in 1978 and currently survives by sucking the blood out of non suspecting humans. He was last seen shooting and then lapping the blood off the face of a 78 year old texas attorney in a southern texas farm. The attorney did however later apologize for getting his face in the way. Some sources say that he was drunk, while he said he had only a beer. So, as far as we can tell the ice president can neither keep his rifle, story or daughter straight.

Foreign Policy - The United States does not have a foreign policy to begin with because as we discussed earlier there is no one else to maintain relations with. However to keep things exciting the government occasionally pulls a random generated country name (Russia, Vietnam, Somalia, etc) out of a hat and declares war on them. The latest being a war on some country named Eyeraq (sp?) namely to prevent a nuclear assault, rid it's inhabitants of a tyrant ruler thus promoting freedom of expression, getting rid of aliens who want to take over our world and triggering the Armageddon.

Note - Two of those reasons have been proved to be false.

Natural Enemies - Now that we've confirmed that other forms of life do exist other than Homo Americanus (contrary to popular belief) it is safe to discuss a few of them (hypothetically speaking). The USA has had many enemies in their brief yet eventful history. Apparently everyone hates the country's freedom and right to free speech because we all know that their online "blogs" aren't being monitored nor their telephone lines tapped as we speak (The "Patriot act"). They are in continual denial that big brother is watching them and yet we all know what their favourite tv sitcom is.

Getting back to topic, in the past century or so America's most illuminated enemies have been Russia, Usama Bin Ladin, Limp Bizkit and most recently an apricot.

Law and Order - In the states the justice system is divided into 2 different yet equally important entities, the police who investigate the crime and the district attorney who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories (tin tin tin). The police force consists of Benjamin Bratt and some old guy and the prosecutors are made up of a hot chick and another old guy.

Other law enforcing agencies of this great country consist of the FBI (Fungi, Bacteria, and Invertebrate), CIA (Coup Inducing Agents) and other three letter abbreviated institutions.

The FBI's task is to appear at major crime scenes whenever the local police department isn't doing much progress, flash their badges real fast before anyone can get a look at them and then proceed to pretty much not make much progress either, but much more efficiently. The CIA however is the most secretive of all, so much as to no one knows what its primary functions are. Experts however suggest that their skills are utilized for initializing international coups to install pro US governments and identifying/killing the Al Qaeda's number 2 man on a constant basis.

Pastimes -It is said that Americans are a restless bunch, that they are a people who live to work rather than work to live, so it is imperative that they take out time from their busy schedules to have some fun. You know wind down, relax etc. Current popular pastimes include declaring war on sovereign nations, suing one another and searching the internet for Brintey Spear's porn.

Coming soon part II

Countries that border the US
Education
9/11
Economy
Human rights